Pinball Thoughts
I have been smoke-free for 7 1/2 months now. It’s hard for me to believe I actually stayed smoke-free during all that has happened, but one thing that always kept me determined was that my mom was so proud of me for quitting. I didn’t want to disappoint her, nor do I now. Plus I’m pretty proud of myself, too. ;)
Dreams are funny, aren’t they? I dream a whole lot — every single night. I wish I could remember them all with precise detail, but there’s no way. I find them extremely interesting, though. Take, for instance, the dream I had the night before last: amid all the nonsensical stuff, was a very real moment — a moment in which I was asking a little boy sitting on a chair during a party at our house if he was alright, to which he replied yes, he was. I gave him a look like “come on now, the truth”, so he then looked at me with tear-filled eyes and said, “My mom died a month ago”. I looked back at him with astonishment and immediately wrapped him in my arms and whispered in his ear, “so did mine”. When I let go of him, I went on to explain that it wasn’t exactly a month ago, it was actually 2 days before 7 weeks.
The night I had that dream was 2 days before 7 weeks.
Last night I dreamed my oldest sister was getting married (no, she’s not in real life). My sisters and I and a bunch of others were frantically making plans, and then there, sitting in a chair, very calmly, was Mom, smiling her glorious smile, wanting to know why everyone was so frantic, and then taking charge. When I awoke, it took me a few moments to realize how special that dream was. I had forgotten she died. Those kind of realizations I can live without.
The skies are cloudy and the wind is blowing very hard. I imagine it has more than just a few people rather nervous, given what happened a few days ago. I’m not one of them.
My sister moved today to a town about 45 minutes from here. She had been staying in Mom’s house the last few weeks. Now that she’s moved, things like the cable and phone will be shut off. The phone number I’ve called my entire life for comfort, for laughter, for friendship, for motherly advice; the phone number which was and has always been ours. In two days it will not be ours anymore. I can’t even describe how that makes me feel. I guess my husband put it best: “It’s the kind of closure you just weren’t ready for yet”.
Is one ever ready? I don’t know, but I guess I’ll find out.
June 12th, 2004 at 6:27 pm
you’ll probably find yourself dialing (if you haven’t done so already) your mum’s phone number even after it’s been shut off. I don’t know why people do that. I guess our minds are not ready to give into reality after someone close to us passes. I suppose we ring just hoping the call will wake us from a bad dream. Hang in there, Leigh. In time, the reality of losing your mum will become easier to bear. You’ll always miss her physical being, but as the days go by, more and more you’ll find comfort from her Heavenly presence. Don’t forget, everytime you think of the good times…SMILE!
Your mama is watching. ;)
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June 13th, 2004 at 2:38 pm
My Mom has been dead for 11 years and I still pick up the phone and start to dial her number. THe one that really got me though was closing down the Post Office Box that they had used for 40 years!! they moved around a lot, renting places, so always kept the same PO box as an address.
Can you get the phone number switched to your house?
I am so Proud of you not smoking!! It takes Guts and determination to quit, and it all boils down to you really wanting to do it. GOOD GIRL!!! Now if we can just convince Ms Leslie and Me Brenda to join us!!!!!
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June 13th, 2004 at 8:34 pm
Sometimes those dreams can be such welcome little gifts, giving our hearts and minds a break from reality for a bit. How sweet and sad about the little boy, Leigh.
You know what? I’d be tempted to make a little cross-stitch sampler of your mom’s old telephone number. Years from now you’d be able to look at it with a smile and it may trigger all those wonderful phone calls you shared with her. I see a couple of cups of tea under the number and a border of hearts.
I’m so incredibly proud of you and your non-smoking accomplishment. You’ve done your body and mind a world of good.
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June 14th, 2004 at 4:59 pm
((((Leigh)))))
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