I Hate Titles
Today I did the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do:
I went with my sisters to make arrangements for Mom’s transfer from the hospital in Ft. Collins to a nursing home here in town. A nursing home … Mom’s worst fear … and here we are putting her in one. *deep, sad sigh* Life is so cruel when we get old.
She’s been through so much the last 16 days: two heart attacks, transferred by ambulance to a hospital 90 minutes away, an angiogram, emergency surgery plus 4 units of blood that night for an artery bleed, a fall today when she attempted to get up by herself, and now … now she has to come home to a nursing home instead of her house. I am filled with guilt … and fear. I am angry with God. I would be shocked at the sight of anything even resembling fair ….. or right …… or just. My mother deserves a helluva lot better than this.
I retreat within myself …. within my own mind. There I find quiet. No peace, but at least the quiet. There I do not have to talk, or explain, or cope, or deal; I simply “be”. I feel physically exhausted all the time, and am spiritually depleted. I have many questions, and no answers. I dread more than anything else the look in my Mother’s eyes when she arrives at the nursing home and looks at us as if we’ve betrayed her. I feel as though I am betraying her.
And that …. is what has been going on.
April 1st, 2004 at 3:43 am
(((((((Leigh}}}}}}} I know how hard it is to put your Mom there…we had to do that with Kevin’s Mom. It’s not a pleasant thought. Try not to think of it as a betrayal, but as an extention of her hospital stay. She’ll have constant care, such as it is, that would be hard for you and your sister to provide. Love you, Lady.
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April 1st, 2004 at 5:38 am
Leigh I can’t imagine what you are going through but I do know I would hate to find myself in that situation. Unfortunately you have no choice and I think you made the right one which does not necessarily mean it validates your decision. I feel your pain and your betrayal but I am sure your mother will understand fully. You need to make her room as cozy as can be and surround her with her own personal things from home and make it as comfortable for her as possible. I will continue to hold you both in my thoughts.
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April 1st, 2004 at 5:48 am
oh sweet leigh *hugs* i know how hard this is for you.
be gentle with you. you all remain in my thoughts.
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April 1st, 2004 at 8:32 am
I’m sorry, Leigh, to know you are in such turmoil. Such a tough spot to be in, knowing you have no choice and wondering whether or not she’ll truly understand.
Let’s play the “what if” game for just a moment. What if she ends up thriving there through perhaps meeting some folks like her who are going through the same things?
What if she receives wonderful care ’round the clock and ends up appreciating the decision you and your sisters had to make?
What if, soon enough, she understands it was the kindest thing you could’ve done?
Try not to assume it’s such a bad place for her. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t but God bless you for doing what you have to do. Hang tough, my friend, even though you’re drained and exhausted. I’ll give you some of my energy — I have more than enough.
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April 1st, 2004 at 10:20 am
Oh sweetie (((hugs))) I know it feels like you’ve let your mother down, but it is the best decision you could have made for her. And it’s not like you are going to put her in a home and forget about her. You and your sisters and all of your family will still be seeing her regularly, she will still have her family around her
And like Leslie said, she may enjoy some aspects of her stay. Give it a chance, sweetie.
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April 8th, 2004 at 3:13 pm
I don’t know a lot about nursing homes. From what I’ve read, current facilities are better than they were, say, a generation ago. I wonder if, nowadays, it’s more a matter of the loss of independence than fear of subpar care?
I do sympathize with you, dear one. A decision like this can’t be easy. We love our parents. We want them to be happy. It’s a sick, sad role reversal that, as they did for us when we were children, we sometimes have to acknowledge that what they want and what is best for them might not be the same thing.
(((hugs)))
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