Stream of Thought
Ah yes, color me blue.
Two weeks ago I went with my Mother and her home health care worker to the doctor’s office for her appointment; now she is completely unable to make her appt. tomorrow. In just 2 weeks’ time, it has become almost impossible for her to even walk around her house, let alone go out to the doctor’s office. It’s all happening so fast …. it’s positively dizzying.
I’ve been so tired the last few days. In trying to figure out why, it dawned on me that I must be depressed. I’m avoiding big time, and feel like sleeping all the time. I don’t, but I feel like it. Sometimes I do fall asleep if I sit down long enough in my chair. I do things to keep my mind from wandering to the brutal reality trying to catch my glance. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to face it. It’s all just ….. too scary. I don’t know if I’m strong enough anymore. I don’t know if I want to be. I want to go back in time. I want my Mama back, the way she used to be. I just ….. want “overs”. I wish we could get overs. Do you remember overs? When you were playing a game as a kid? I remember having to holler out “no overs!” before the game began if you didn’t want anyone getting a second chance to win. I guess God hollered out “no overs” , didn’t He. Too bad.
Ah yes …. color me blue.
February 10th, 2004 at 7:28 pm
i wish i could wrap you and your mom in huge hugs of forever and a day… i wish i could ease the pain that is coming… i wish…
I lov eyou and keep a candle lit every day thinking of you.
*hugs* my friend…
always min
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February 10th, 2004 at 7:48 pm
you know, Leigh, my prayers are with you.
each step seemed to take me farther into the forest’s darkness. the light grew dim and i felt fatigue settle into evey joint, evey fiber of my being. i was lost. it didn’t matter where i had started, nor where i had been going, i was lost, and more than that i was weary. again, for the thousandth time i brushed away the branches and step forward. i emerged in a clearing. the stars show bright, twinkling, winking. i breathed clear, clean air, filling my lungs with moist life and feeling hope rise into my spirit. a lone house rested in the meadow, and there, in the open doorway stood a welcoming figure, motioning for me to come in.
each journey of faith brings us through the forest of fear and doubt, and then home, anew.
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February 10th, 2004 at 8:50 pm
Hugs to you
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February 10th, 2004 at 9:02 pm
You sound just plain exhausted and drained, Leigh. I wish I could help fill you up with the strength you need. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this.
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February 10th, 2004 at 9:58 pm
Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. Definitely sounds like a case of the blues, but stress is very tiring too, so that has to be part of it as well. Don’t be afraid to let yourself get some rest. And you’re going through tough times, you’re allowed to feel depressed. It’s pretty natural.
I wish I could do something, anything, to help, but all I can really do is offer you my thoughts and prayers for you and your mother. (((hugs)))
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February 11th, 2004 at 1:00 am
*BIG HUGS*
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February 11th, 2004 at 6:13 am
I’m keeping you all in my prayers, as always. It’s not fair to have to see a loved one decline so fast. I know what you are going through. We went through the same thing with Kevin’s parents. We miss them both soooo much. What you are going through is part of life… no matter how painful, it’s a necessary part of the cycle. (((((Leigh & Mom)))))
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February 11th, 2004 at 9:00 am
I’m so sorry Leigh. I know what it’s like sometimes to just be so tired, or so drained that it’s hard to get going. Nothing seems interesting or inspiring. But even when you’re blue, you’re beautiful.
You and your mother are in my prayers.
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February 11th, 2004 at 9:05 am
One day at a time
Keep writing or drawing or whatever you can do to release this. Email me at any time and vent if you like. I remember what I went through this past fall with depression and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You will make it through this.
(((((((((((BEAR HUG)))))))))))))))))
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February 11th, 2004 at 10:44 am
You are in a frightning place at the moment and it is understandable you want to sleep. That is your coping mechanism wanting to block out what you fear the most. Don’t fight the sleep, go with it as you will always think clearer after a little nap. Build as many precious memories you can with your mum, take lots of photos, let Callie spend lots of time with her. Continue what you are doing as it will ease your mothers pain. She feels it too but she may not say so. Each hug, each smile and each time she looks into your eyes is just as precious to her as it is to you. Be strong for her my Angel but never be afraid to show your weaknesses and to discuss how you are feeling emotionally. I love my mother dearly and fear that day when she is no longer able to take care of herself. Love will always shine on you and you will always find the strength to carry on. We, your friends are here when you need upliftment. We will carry you when you are too tired to carry on, on your own. Give your mother my love and I will hold you both within my heart and send prayers your way.
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February 11th, 2004 at 10:56 am
I am so soory!! It isn’t easy watching a parent decline. But we all have to do it. It is part of life. If you had do OVERS you’d still have to face it. Hang ion there sweetie!! You’ll get through this. We all do it!
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February 11th, 2004 at 12:41 pm
Sometimes I do fall asleep if I sit down long enough in my chair. I do things to keep my mind from wandering to the brutal reality trying to catch my glance. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to face it. It’s all just ….. too scary. I don’t know if I’m strong enough anymore. I don’t know if I want to be. I want to go back in time.
Ah yes… I so understand where you’re coming from my sweet dear friend. So many times I get to feeling like everything is just against me, WHEN will it stop, WHEN will I see daylight at the end of this dark tunnel that I’ve obviously managed to crawl into?
Then like a breath of fresh air I do my best to recall happier times in my life, the joy of being in remission after breast & pancreatic cancer. The immense joy of having Gary in my life and his love enveloping me like a cocoon, where I feel so warm & protected. The joy of being ALIVE after a severe heart attack where most people would not have pulled through. And the joy of total reality that among all the bad things that seem to creep into my life, I have the few good things that makes life worth living.
Things like friends in real life and on line, who go that extra step to make you feel special, to give you that warm hug when you need it most. Small things like a squirrel scampering from tree to tree, a bird chirping, the howl of a coyote, the far off whistle of a train. Things I long to hear & see, no matter how “down” I may become, they are a part of my every day life and I realize that when I get so “depressed”, if I just think about those good times… when I was skiing in Vail, or running laps around the track, or hiking through the woods… that it makes that old depression move on out of the way.
Think of the good times Leigh, let that depression work it’s way right on out of you. Remember too that there is ALWAYS someone thinking about you, and keeping you tucked safely in their arms.
I’m here for you any time you need a hug, or just to rant & rave and get if off your chest… that’s what friends are for. I love you Leigh, take care of you please, and don’t bottle it up… let it out! That’s the best thing you can do. ((hugs))
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February 11th, 2004 at 6:16 pm
I can’t think of anything to say right now. All these wonderful people have said sooo much and MORE! ((((huggles))))Just know that I’m here…always!! Love you!
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