I Have No Title
I’ve thought of so much over the last 3 days that I wanted to blog about, but now that I’m finally here, I can’t remember any of it. That figures, eh?
I have black cherry candles burning that smell absolutely delicious. I also have a beautiful lavender candle going which I bought from Sarah, and it, too, is completely lucious and burns wonderfully slow. 
This next question is for all you parents out there: Have you ever disliked one of your child’s friends — a lot! My daughter has a friend whom I do not like at all. She’s rude and, in my opinion, disrespectful in the way she conducts herself. She’s been over here all afternoon, and I’m about to scream! She (my daughter) had a different friend over yesterday who I like much better. Too bad we can’t tell our kids who they can and cannot like, huh. ;)
One of the reasons I haven’t been around the blogosphere much lately is because I haven’t felt like I would make very good “company”. I’m not going to sit here and bemoan the way in which the ebb and flow is affecting my life, but I am at a point where I feel I should “announce” that I am no longer going to “pretend”, or put on that oh so happy face anymore. The fact is, I feel as though I must “perform” for everyone, and live up to what everyone expects from me — both in who I should be and in what I should be doing and giving. I’ve had it. I am only one person, and I am only me, take it or leave it. I am almost 46 years old, have raised 2 sons and am still raising my daughter; I have seen, done, felt, thought and lived through so much good, and so much bad, and I’m tired. I don’t want to “be” for anyone. I just want to be me. And at this moment in time, the me I am is spiritually exhausted, physically drained, and very much wanting to just “hide away” from the world. I have coped and done and given and been, and now I just want to be left alone to be myself without being made to feel guilty for it. And I don’t want anyone demanding anything from me anymore. I know they don’t mean to …. I know they just “expect” things because that’s the way it’s always been, but now I want to change the way things are done. If this all sounds selfish, it’s because it is. But I don’t care. If I am not selfish right now, then I am going to completely disappear into space. I feel it is inevitable. Sometimes the pain is unbearable, but I am usually successful at keeping it to myself. You should see the reactions I get when I don’t! Therefore, I don’t share those feelings very often. Everyone else is allowed to be Humpty Dumpty but I, apparently, am not. Oh well. As long as I am just left alone and allowed to fall off the wall if I need to, then I don’t care if anyone tries to put me back together again or not. I just don’t want to feel guilty for falling. I’ve had it with guilt. I’ve had enough of it to last two lifetimes!
Last night was bad. I came very, very close to smoking. But I didn’t. The only thing that kept me from doing it was imagining the look on my daughter’s face when she found out. Gee, I guess guilt actually is good for something. Or was that merely my conscience? Whatever. The end result is what matters. I didn’t smoke. Truthfully, though, I am beginning to rationalize to myself that it doesn’t matter one way or another if I do or don’t, as long as I don’t smoke around my daughter (for her health’s sake). *sigh* I don’t know.
Anyway, I’m sorry to have taken up so much of your time with this drivel. I just really needed to get it off my chest and out of my mind, and doing it here somehow felt “safe”. I hope that by hearing my truth, you don’t think less of me. I just …. needed to free it.
Thank you for “listening”.
January 10th, 2004 at 5:11 pm
I could NEVER think less of you, my friend?? If anyone does, then…too, TOO BAD!!! You just be YOU!! That’s all that matters!! Love you Leigh. *hug*
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January 10th, 2004 at 5:15 pm
those question marks aren’t supposed to be there. lol
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January 10th, 2004 at 5:33 pm
I love you, Debbie. And I knew the question marks weren’t supposed to be there. ;)
(((((Debbie)))))
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January 10th, 2004 at 5:58 pm
Sorry you’re not doing so well. I wish I could help. Sometimes life is so hard.
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January 10th, 2004 at 6:06 pm
Leigh, I hear you and can feel the sadness inside. I’m a single parent too, cancer caused the loss of my wife in 2001. Bringing up a now-twelve year old, and one who is ADHD is a life changing experience. I sometimes want to chuck it all and go away, but I know my son needs me, regardless of his pre-teen attitude.
I put on a lot of faces, partly because of pride, and partly so they don’t see the tears of a clown. But I am alone a lot, and tonight my son is sleeping over a friend’s house and it feels weird still, not having him in the house. I find myself reaching, aimlessly at times because I want that change you so desire. And it is just out of reach, and your friends see that you are alright, so they leave you alone….
I’m so glad you didn’t take up smoking again. I want you to know that there are others who share your feelings, you are not alone. And there are good ways to come out of the funk, it just takes time.
My blog has been schitzo lately, serious and silly, reflecting my inner self. It’s our chosen vehicle to vent, to release, to be cathartic. Realize how many people love you, Leigh, and how much you are protecting yourself through your actions and how you are protecting your daughter too. It is tough, and for some reason, tough for me tonight but I will be glad to wake tomorrow and thank God that I’m still here. Be blessed, my blog friend.
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January 10th, 2004 at 7:14 pm
never will i think less of you for your honesty! it is one of the things i love most aobut you. I know you have heard this from your friends who care so much aobut you..(but i will say it again, maybe hearing it again and again will help *hugs)it is ok to take care of you and set boundaries, hard to do i know…but it ishealthy and necessary. It is ok, it is right, YOU DESERVE IT! and you deserve to NOT feel guilty. i know these are just words on a page, but you know i wont lie to you either. i love you dear leigh, be gentle with you and do whatever it is that you need to do. YOU ARE IMPORTANT!
i love you, always
min
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January 10th, 2004 at 8:12 pm
“Friendship is the gold thread that ties hearts together.” — unknown
Sometimes you just have to let it all out… no matter how it feels inside. The only one you need to worry about is yourself, we’ll all be fine and no one will think any less of you for saying what’s on your mind… certainly not me.
If it wasn’t for my blog & being able to scream, rant, gripe, grumble & cry (almost on a daily basis)… I’d be in a padded room right now.
Just let go when you feel the urge… back away when you need to, and remember we’re thinking about you and hoping for the best. Love you Leigh! ((hugs))
“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.” -Albert Schweitzer
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January 10th, 2004 at 9:57 pm
Leigh, I would rather have you ‘real’ and ‘honest’, then try to put up a front. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, the REAL you. You are a great woman, and one of the first people I look to see if there are new entries, because…you are REAL. I hope you feel better soon {{hugs}}
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January 11th, 2004 at 12:04 am
welcome to middle age my dear!!! It happens to ALL of us. SOme of us make it through with little problems others need all the help they can get. I went through this in my 30’s, and I was going crazy!!! I finally went in for counseling as I did not think I could make it any more. Turns out my Therapist was MARRIED to my Gynocologist!!! SHe put 2+2 together and told her husband who put me on hormones!! WHAT A WORLD of difference!!! Now that I am in my late 50’s it is ZOLOFT!! anti-depressants. WHO-HOO!!! good things.
If you feel you need to talk, call me. i’ll send you my phone number.
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January 11th, 2004 at 12:07 am
no I cant, i cant find your email address.
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January 11th, 2004 at 2:14 am
Sounds like you feel like roadkill right now with the birds pecking away at you!! Been there!
It also sounds like people look at you for help all the time and want you to hear their woes, but ignore you when you need to vent!! So vent on the blog, that is what it is for. Ever try alanon? A group of people that are tired of “fixing” people!
Just let loose and be spontaneous, laugh like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching!! Be you and WHO CARES??!! That is how I live my life, and I have alot of friends. But I am never asked out for a second date!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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January 11th, 2004 at 2:20 am
By the way, what an accomplishment to quit smoking!!! You did good on that!! That is the hardest thing to quit!! I went through withdrawals 12 days after quitting smoking. I lay in bed for a day shivering and sweating and had diarrhea. I thought I had the flu but realized it was nicotine withdrawals!! WHEW!!
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January 11th, 2004 at 2:21 am
It’s hard to know the right words to say, but I do know how you feel. I know coming here and letting your feelings out, is the right thing to do. We all support you here and would never judge you. It’s better to let it all out here than to bottle it all up inside. Be good to yourself! ((Hugs))
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January 11th, 2004 at 4:46 am
Friendship is more that just what we can get from someone. It is what we can give to them as well… Love is a treasured gift that is given with no return necessary. You are a friend to us all, because you are, period. No one is like you… or me, for that matter. We are all unique, and beautiful for our uniqueness. Up days, down days… doesn’t matter, we still love you, Lady!
“You’ve always got me on the good days, and the bad days, and the mad days, the happy and the sad days…”
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January 11th, 2004 at 5:02 am
*BIG HUGS*
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January 11th, 2004 at 10:49 am
I will never think less of you, I will never desert you and I will love you in your good days and your bad days. I will comfort you in your sad days and wipe away your tears. I will laugh with you when you are happy and hug you when you wish to be comforted. I will try to uplift you spiritually to restore order to your soul. I will always be here for you. (((((Leigh)))))
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January 11th, 2004 at 11:35 am
Oh dear. I tried to send you an email and it came back undelivered “host blacklisted”. I hope it wasn’t anything I said?
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January 11th, 2004 at 2:11 pm
What a beautiful style for the blog, Leigh. I hope you are feeling a bit better!
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January 11th, 2004 at 2:30 pm
It’s so good to know that you’re speaking from the heart through your good times and bad. You have a lot of encouragement here to do exactly that.
I was glad to read that you’re planning on making some changes in your life; only then can you get more of what you want and what you need. You needn’t ever apologize for your feelings, Leigh. Stand by them. They’re yours and a part of you.
It was great to read your words again….all 725 of them.
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January 11th, 2004 at 8:08 pm
I hope you’re doing okay Leigh, and if you need to be breakable right now, that’s okay. Fragility is a part of us all, to hide it doesn’t make it go away. Probably makes it worse. I’m glad you shared, takes the pain away sometimes to tell someone what you’re feeling. (((Leigh)))
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January 12th, 2004 at 10:57 am
Just dropping by again and wanting you to know you are in my thoughts. Its okay to crumble and hide but always know that you always have friends who are in arms reach from you - even if its arms reach from the keyboard. Go well Leigh. We’ll be here with the glue when you are ready to be put back together again. Luv u lots.
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January 12th, 2004 at 12:20 pm
the only person in this world that you truly have to please is yourself. do what you need to do to be happy. those who love you and know you best will be happy YOUR happy…know what I mean? *smooches*
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January 12th, 2004 at 5:05 pm
at the risk of being simplistic. i honestly believe that i know about what you are feeling.
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January 12th, 2004 at 5:46 pm
{{{Leigh}}}} your in my thoughts daily. I know our situations are different but a lot of the emotional stuff is the same.
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January 12th, 2004 at 9:55 pm
I have felt basically the same thing you are feeling. I have just turned 46, raised two kids and am raising a teenage daughter now. I am tired. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I can’t tell you if it gets any better, dear, because I haven’t been there yet. I hope it does.
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January 13th, 2004 at 5:26 am
I miss you
Come out and play a little ^_^
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January 13th, 2004 at 6:51 am
Just stopping by to say ‘hey’.
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January 13th, 2004 at 7:15 pm
I am unbelievably moved and strengthened by all of your thoughts and comments to me. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve “meeting” such amazing people, but I am so very grateful that I have! Your unconditional support, encouragement and friendship mean more to me than mere words are able to express. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart! I love each and every one of you! ((((group hug))))
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January 16th, 2004 at 11:37 am
I remember my parents hating some of my friends growing up, and telling me about it all the time. I think I ended up just sneaking out to hang out with them and lie about it later.
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