Analyze This
Sometimes I get into a very self-analyzing state of mind; today/tonight is one of those times. Most of the time I know exactly what the catalyst was which threw me into that deep-thinking area of my crowded brain, but this time I do not. I have no idea. I just ….. started thinking. It began when I went to bed last night — or should I say this morning? After all, it was 3:00 a.m. But anyway, I couldn’t get to sleep right away, so naturally my mind started racing with thoughts. I don’t know why, but I began thinking about my birthday in a couple of months. I will be 46 years old. I found myself thinking the typical “where has all the time gone?” sort of thoughts, and the “I sure don’t feel that old” thoughts; then I said to myself, “Wait a minute, stop and think about that for minute. Think about everything you’ve done, seen, felt, experienced ….. then you’ll realize more fully how you can be 46 years old”. So I obeyed myself like a good girl and thought about those things. Something I came to realize which made me do a “hmmmm” and a “wow, that’s interesting”, was that every time I have experienced emotional trauma, I have been alone. Every.single.time. Either literally alone, or alone in the sense that it was solely my responsibility to handle the situation I found myself in. So of course I immediately began analyzing that little tidbit of enlightenment, because that’s what I do — try to figure out what cannot possibly be figured out. I like to torture myself that way. ;) During my self-therapy session (which is VERY expensive, btw *lol*), I found myself wondering if that newly-realized fact might have something to do with why I have withdrawn so much from the world. I am cognizant of the fact that I feel fearful of what is coming next; of what will happen if I am “out there” too much (pathetic, huh) , and now I think I’ve discovered why. It makes perfect sense to me.
Now all I have to do is figure out how to “fix” it. ;)
January 24th, 2004 at 9:32 pm
My only suggestion to you, dear friend, is to find that “off” button. You said you don’t feel that old. Me neither. In fact, I still feel 20. ;) Sometimes even younger. When I’m in a silly mood I feel just like a kid. lol It’s what’s inside that helps keep us young– Our way of thinking! ;) You’ve gotta let that little girl get back inside that head of yours. There’s not much that kids are afraid of. Especially what’s coming next. They live for the moment! ;)
((((BIG hugs))))
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January 24th, 2004 at 9:49 pm
Bah. The only reason we’re so worried about old age is because the media tells us to be. What’s so great about being young, anyhow? The only thing that I can think of is that my body seemed to look neater…then again, that might just be the media creeping into my subconscious again.
I wonder when it was that the Wise Woman ceased to be? It used to be that youth was on the receiving end of those being condescending. Really, what do most people in their late teens or early twenties know? Shoot, what do we know now? Society has us afraid to take our rightful respects, since those are for “old” people.
Hrmph! I’m taking a stand. I say here and now that I am fully looking forward to being old. I’m going to relish the power of knowing other people revere me for my years. I’m going to like when people call me “ma’am” and think that I know a lot more than I really do. Bestest of all, I’m going to enjoy THWACKING people with the steel end of my cane - then looking on, wide eyed and with fake disconnection, while I say I falsely plead dementia. >
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January 24th, 2004 at 10:01 pm
No, I’m not bummed about turning 46. It doesn’t bother me that I’m getting older. Heck, I’m gonna be a grandma!!
The “epiphany”, if you will, was that when I have experienced emotional trauma throughout my life, I have always been alone. It has always been MY responsibility to handle the situation. I’ve never been “allowed” to just experience the trauma and “fall apart” like everyone else. I had to be strong. Can you see the correlation between that and my withdrawing from “the world” like I have?? Or am I just crazy(er)? lol
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January 24th, 2004 at 10:31 pm
Yeah…wise is good, but nothing beats thinking or looking at life like a child does. We adults could learn a thing or two from children. Children know a lot more about having a good time than most adults. Children know how to laugh. They don’t need much to laugh at.They are delightfully spontaneous. Children don’t analyse and work everything out. They just are busy “being.” Whenever we meet grown ups who are so spontaneous, we tend to treasure them also. Let’s do less thinking and more responding. Children are eternally fascinated. They are curious. A rock or a beetle or puddle or a mouse is a source of wonderment to a child. Everything is a new and exciting experience, to be absorbed. Children accept circumstances until they learn not to. How often do you hear young children complain about the weather? They don’t. They intuitively know that in order to maintain mental health, you have to go with the flow.
In a nutshell…watch, listen and learn from children. We may grow older and wiser but it’s the child within that helps keep us sane.
I’ll shut-up now.
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January 24th, 2004 at 10:33 pm
sorry Leigh. April got me on a roll.
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January 24th, 2004 at 10:39 pm
It’s okay to fall down, Leigh. The most important thing is bouncing back again. And YOU can do it!!!! Think like a kid…determination will help you through. When you learned to walk, you kept at it and kept at it. You fell over and got up. You fell on your face and got up again. Finally you learned to walk! ;)
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January 24th, 2004 at 10:50 pm
and NOOO, you are not crazy! I don’t have to tell you anything, my friend. I know you know how to look after yourself. I fell once… when Randall’s mum was sooo sick for sooo long. But look at me now…I’m bouncing! lol You will get through this hon. (((((huggles)))))Life will give you reason once again to see things through the eyes of a child. ;)
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January 24th, 2004 at 11:18 pm
Such insightful women here.
As distasteful as you find having to be on your own through each setback or crisis, Leigh, maybe take heart that you have survived each and every one of them…on your own. Is it that you need someone to help you through them or want someone?
There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to share the load with someone, to help ease the pressure, but you’ve proven time and again that you can still do it.
Is it your faith in yourself that you can continue to shoulder the problems on your own that’s waning?
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January 25th, 2004 at 12:01 am
Debbie, you know you can “roll” here anytime, for as long as you want! ;))) THANK YOU for everything you said! ((((hugs))))
Leslie, those are some very good questions. No, I don’t “need” someone to help me through those sudden traumatic times, but I sure would “like” it. There have been way too many, and so many in the last couple of years. It scares me. I don’t want to have to face those things by myself anymore. I don’t want to always be the strong one. It’s very difficult to articulate. It’s like …. finally …. there was a straw that broke the camel’s back. I couldn’t do any more. I was depleted. And it all not only caused emotional distress, but also made me physically ill, i.e.: high blood pressure, anxiety, depression. Just … too much …. too much sudden, scary, life-threatening (for others, not me) things happening …. too long of a time of being responsible for the well being of others …. I don’t know … I guess I can’t explain it. I suppose one can only be “scared to death” so many times before they give out, ya’ know? I don’t want to be that scared again, and I definitely don’t want to be responsible when it DOES occur. Does any of that make sense????
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January 25th, 2004 at 12:08 am
Yes, it does make sense. Perfect sense, Leigh. These are the words that really stood out in your comment:
…. too long of a time of being responsible for the well being of others ….
That’s an awfully big responsibility. Do you take it upon yourself willingly, or are you there to pick up the pieces because nobody else will or can?
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January 25th, 2004 at 8:45 am
What’s coming next may just be some good stuff. Go into the future with a positive attitude. I sure have had some really pleasant surprises in the last few years.
Cas
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January 25th, 2004 at 9:17 am
You’re not alone now. We’re all here with you, at the very least a sounding board to bounce things off of. I’ve found, in my short time in the blogging community, that people here are a huge emotional support. You GO girl.
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January 25th, 2004 at 10:37 am
Faith, thank you so much! It’s such a comforting feeling knowing there are those in your corner, isn’t it. Thank you for giving that to me. (((hugs)))
Cas, I used to do exactly that. In fact, I was always so optimistic that my Mother used to tell me I wasn’t being realistic. LOL I suppose after so much time of having one bad thing after another happen, one becomes conditioned to expect it. It becomes difficult to remain optimistic about the future and good things happening when that same optimism keeps getting slapped down. But I try. I really do.
Leslie, another good question, my dear.
If I pay you, will you become my therapist?? LOL Sometimes I took it on willingly because I was strong. Other times it was because I was the only one here who could do it. Finally, it just became expected of me. It became my role. Once you’ve been cast in a particular role within a family, it is very, very difficult to break free, as unbelievable as that may sound. Especially when you’re a person who HATES upsetting people or hurting their feelings, like me. A fault, I suppose. One which has kept me trapped.
Thank you, Leslie, for asking such probing questions. They make me think. (((hug)))
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January 25th, 2004 at 11:17 am
I’m glad it didn’t irritate you, Leigh. I was feeling this morning like I should just shut up and leave well enough alone.
I’ll just add one more thing then I promise I will shut up!
Like so many woman, I, too, was a pleaser. Saying ‘no’ and breaking the cycle of doing what others came to expect was short term pain for long term gain. In the end, those who had unrealistic expectations of me now know that my own needs are on an even parallel with theirs.
Now that I’m much happier and not afraid to do what I feel is best, I have so much more to give them. It’s been a great lesson.
(And I’m talking some serious No’s here but never in a meanspirited way.)
People who love you will continue to love you; they just may not like you for short periods. Tough beans.
It’s also a good example to set for your daughter so she doesn’t find herself blogging about the same issues many years from now.
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January 25th, 2004 at 12:42 pm
Would you like my 2 cents worth? I have the feeling that the reason why you have gone through crises on your own is due to those around you feeling that you are capable of working through those areas on your own and leaving you in peace to work through them and come to your own inevitable solution. For some strange reason, I don’t get the impression that they don’t wish to help you, more that they are there, in the background, should you reach out and ask for help. Maybe if you do say “I can’t handle this on my own, please will you help me even if you just sit a listen to me rant and rave”, I am sure they will. And possibly it is a vicious circle, you have withdrawn because you are not receiving help. And you are not receiving help because others around you feel you are just so capable and strong to sort out those things all on your own. It is not a sign of weakness if you fall apart and say “I can’t do this on my own”. Falling apart is good because it means you are not bottling up any emotions which will later resurface to haunt you. Withdrawing is good because it allows you time to look within and find ways to change the patterns of your life. It is not good however, if you are just hiding for fear of something bad happening to you again. Never let it take control of you. Reach out whenever you are in need and you will be surprised at how many outstretched hands will be there to lift you up. You have a beautiful spirit and it will carry you through when times are tough. (((hugs))) xxooxx
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January 25th, 2004 at 9:33 pm
I hope what I want to say and what I write comes out as the same thing…
I understand wanting to have somebody to help you to be strong. It does get awfully tiring to feel as if you’re an island. On the other hand, getting through by yourself speaks positive volumes about you. Some people have angels because they can’t pick themselves up, ever. You’re obviously of stronger stock.
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January 26th, 2004 at 9:10 am
I’ll be celebrating my 21st anniversary of turning 29 this coming July… not getting older, getting better like a fine wine ^_^ Love you, Leigh!
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January 26th, 2004 at 9:46 am
oh, sweetie! you could never be pathetic!! you’re sweet and honest and intelligent, and its been a blessing for me to know you.
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January 26th, 2004 at 9:48 am
this layout is gorgeous, by the way.
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January 26th, 2004 at 6:21 pm
I too Have always had to be the strong one…the one to serve as an example for the others. I had to be strong, because no one else would be. My husband withdrew from life, and SOMEBODY had to take over! My Mother was an alcoholic, and SOMEBODY had to watch the kids. Yeah, I would LOVE to have somebody take over for me, but Im sure I would be sitting in the background telling them what to do. NOBODY does it as well as I do.
Does THAT sound familiar? We are survivors, Leigh! And if it wasn’t for strong women, where would all of these weak men be?
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