Out with the old and in with the new! WOO HOOO!!!! It’s about time!! lol

Seriously, though, my hope for everyone is that all the wishes and dreams you hold closest to your heart come true in 2003.

Hopefully …. we can all, each one of us, remember we’re in this thing together.

Love and Hugs to Everyone!!

I’ve been pondering my friend Mark’s entry in his blog entitled, “Right at the Bastards” (I encourage any artistically-inclined and/or creative-thinking person to read this!). As is typical with me, my thoughts travel like a ping-pong ball around in my head, and I began thinking about the days when I was a stay-at-home Mom (trust me, this actually does pertain to being artistic and creative *wink*). I can remember so well going into the bank where the teller was an acquaintance of mine. In making small-talk she asked me “if I was working”, to which I replied, “Yes I am, I’m a stay-at-home mother”. Know what she said next? She said, “It must be nice not to have to work and just be a housewife”. OHHH MAN!! I was sooo mad! First of all, I was not then, nor am I now, married to my house! And I’ll bet my life that I worked more hours than she did! ANYway …. all of this got me to thinking (more ping-ponging) about how we are defined by what we do, not by who we are. And then I was thinking about the strange and confused looks I get when I talk about my passion — art and writing. I say things that I swear must come out of my mouth in a foreign language, judging from the looks I get. So I don’t talk about it much. But that’s over!

Right here, right now, I am declaring who I am; and it is NOT defined by what I do. I am married, therefore I am a wife; I was blessed with children, therefore I am a mother; I make money working in a store, therefore I am an employee; but those are things I do — roles I fill because I choose to. But who I am is an independent-thinking woman with ideas, opinions and thoughts, conjured from the spirit I own which feeds the mind I use. I say and do things which might seem quirky to some people (mostly by those who wouldn’t know a creative impulse if it bit them in the nose), like ponder wal-mart sacks in trees; but that is because the “who” I am enjoys pondering the “what ifs” and “what does it mean” things in life. The “who” I am is wholly happy, content and fulfilled when lost in the magic of creating; when I am taking a blank piece of paper and turning it into a picture of a face unknown to anyone but me; or filling it with the words whispered from my soul. That is my haven; that is my calling, and that, my friends, is who I am!

I will no longer live inside the mold I was forced to pour myself into because of the expectations and demands of all those who are confused by me! Be advised that from now on, you will just have to be confused ….. and I will continue to stand and wonder at wal-mart sacks in trees, and revel in it.

I went out on my porch today and sat in my wicker chair to look at the day. A bright blue sky with not a cloud in sight, blindingly bright sunshine, and a whisper of a crisp winter breeze graced my senses. As I scanned all that I could see, my vision fell on something moving in the big tree in front of our house, standing tall and proud in its season’s nakedness. I broke out in giggles as I recognized it to be a blue wal-mart sack. I found it amusingly ironic that it would be there. “What does this mean?”, I thought to myself. Perhaps it signifies the entity known as wal-mart should be hung! lol Or perhaps it is arrogantly touting its existence altogether. In all probability, it means only that as the wind blew briskly last night, my tree reached out and snagged it as it flew by, thereby making it feel less conspicuous in its nakedness. *wink*

All I know for sure is ….. it sure made me giggle.

I’ve been thinking about the things I say here. I find that even here I am hesitant to say anything that will “offend”; or say anything which will make me sound like I’m complaining or whining. After all, there are a multitude of people out there who have it worse than I, right? And compared to some of the “real” problems people have, what do I have to bitch about, right? I think I’ve always minimized my own problems for those very reasons. It’s like, “how dare I complain about anything — I have so many blessings in my life!”. But that’s probably why I am in the shape I’m in …. because I think that way; and because I resist speaking what I feel. It all stays inside … festering.

What good is a journal if I can’t even be honest in what I say here? Why am I always concerned about what others will think?? Why do I always feel like it’s my job to lift others up?? To make them feel better?? To dispense what little insight I have in order to help them see more clearly when I, myself, have blurred vision. So I’ve made a decision. This will be the place where I write exactly what I am feeling and thinking. Oh, I could write it in a notebook instead of here … I could keep all those feelings hidden between the covers …. but then what good is it? Whether inside a notebook or inside my mind, it is still hidden. And I need the insights of others … the wisdom from others … to help clear my own vision. So I will say it like it is from now on … here. This is my place to vent … to think … to decipher … to make clear … all the thoughts and feelings which continuously ravage my mind and spirit.

Today I took a journey back to me. Back to a part of me I left behind a long time ago. An extremely integral part of who I was the whole time I was growing up. I journeyed back to the only part of me I loved during those years …. my drawing. Art was the only thing I felt I was good at during my entire childhood …. even into adulthood. But … somehow, it got lost along the way — or I let it go — I don’t know which. But it has been weighing heavy on my heart for a while now, so I asked my husband for art supplies for Christmas. I have always loved drawing so, but today I was very nervous as I picked up that pencil. My hands were sweaty and a bit shaky; but before I knew it, it was as if I had never stopped! And ohhhh it felt good!

When I showed my son, David, the picture, at first he was surprised that I had drawn it; then he said, “I didn’t know you could still do that”. lol Truth be told, neither did I! But I can … and I did. ) I’d love to show it to you. If you’d like to see it, click here (will open in new window).

Thanks for listening to my excitement, and sharing in it! )