Your Input, Please?

My daughter's two best friends are really wonderful girls. I can relate to both of them in many ways, the primary one being that both of their parents are divorced. I grew up without my dad around, so I know how it feels. At least they get to see their dads, though, which is good, but it still leaves a girl with certain issues, such as poor self-esteem and a bad sense of self-worth. Also, one of them has a step-father who doesn't like her much and is always hassling her and saying things about her real dad which aren't too nice. Don't even get me started on why her Mom allows that!

I'm honored that they both talk to me about things that are bothering them. They call Hubs and me Mom and Dad and seem to really love spending time here with us. We like having them here, too. There's something, though, that I'm having a hard time with. One of them told me something quite serious. No, it's not about abuse or anything like that, so don't worry. But it's something that could change her entire family dynamic completely, and she's scared to death to say a word about it to her mom or her dad, let alone her step-father. I know it's difficult to judge the issue with me being so cryptic about the whole thing, but I thought perhaps I could get some advice from you. Would you help her with her problem without telling her parents? Would you tell her you'll help her, but first she needs to at least tell her mom? Or would you tell her she needs to tell her parents and let them help her (even though she's positive they wouldn't). I love her and I want to help her, and I'm very thankful she felt safe enough to approach me and talk to me about it. I'm just not sure which path to take.

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Posted by Leigh on June 28, 2007 12:14 PM |

Thoughts from others

What a difficult problem. I'd be inclined to let her know how much I care, and see if she'd tell her mom. And if she wouldn't I'd certainly help her.

But that's me - I don't know how right or wrong it would be.

Good luck.
Cas

Posted by: cassie-b | June 28, 2007 2:44 PM

You're right, Cas, it is difficult. I don't want to let her down or make her sorry for having come to me in the first place. Thanks so much for sharing your opinion with me!

Posted by: Leigh | June 28, 2007 2:58 PM

I need to know what it is before I can answer, it's just my nature to need details! email me! lol

Posted by: Roxanne | June 28, 2007 9:06 PM

Without knowing what the problem is, it is hard to say what to do...

Posted by: Lisa | June 28, 2007 10:26 PM

Rox - thanks for the return email. Will email back soon!

Lisa - I know it is. It's just that lots of people she knows and I know read my blog, and the last thing I'd want to do is betray her trust, ya' know? I just couldn't be any more specific publicly. Thanks for reading, though. :)

Posted by: Leigh | June 29, 2007 12:51 AM

Maybe she would feel comfortable talking about it with her mum while you're in the room. Perhaps, you could ask Cal's friend if she'd like you to be there for support while she spoke to her mum about the issue.
If you're comfortable with it, then perhaps Cal's friend will be, too.

Anyway, good luck!

Posted by: Debbie | June 29, 2007 3:29 AM

Debbie, if it comes down to that, I think that's what we'll have to do. I wouldn't make her go face her alone. That would be like sending her into the lion's den alone and unarmed. Anyway, thanks so much for your advice. You're always so good at it. :)

Posted by: Leigh | June 29, 2007 3:50 AM

When it comes to other people's kids, I always think, "If that were my kid, what would I want someone else to do?" That is why I yell at kids that I see fighting, doing something dangerous etc. If it was my kid, I would want someone to look out for them.

It takes a village.

Posted by: Roxanne | June 29, 2007 10:53 AM

Wow. First, it's a good sign that she took you into her confidence. With that in mind, and without knowing what the issue is, I'm not sure the best approach might involve bringing in her parents at all. Is it something you can handle for her? Or could you convince her that telling her mom will help? Do you want her to come to you the NEXT time something happens to her that requires a grown-up's intervention?

Posted by: Tammie | June 29, 2007 8:27 PM

I think Rox said it best: It takes a village. Do whatever you can to help within whatever limitations you face.

Posted by: terry | June 30, 2007 9:05 AM

Rox and Terry, you're right -- it DOES take a village, and I've always believed that. As you said, Terry, everything I can do within the limitations I face.

Tammie -- you make very valid points. And no, I would never tell her Mom without her knowledge and participation. In fact, I'm not going to involve her parents in this unless I reach a point where I absolutely have to. I want her to continue feeling safe in coming to me with things. God knows she needs someone!!

Posted by: Leigh | June 30, 2007 1:49 PM

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