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I am so reluctant to post anything new these days. I always feel like I'm whining and complaining, and I can't stand whiners. I feel like I'm such a downer all the time, even though you are all so amazingly wonderful with your words of comfort, friendship and support. I don't want to be a downer. I want to make people laugh, and smile, and feel happier and lighter than before they came here, but ...... I can't seem to do that right now.

In all of my imaginings of what this time in my Mother's life might bring, I never imagined this. I can honestly say that in all of the scenarios I played out in my mind, this wasn't one of them. The last truly coherent conversation I had with my Mother was on March 16th -- my birthday. That was the same day she entered the hospital and began this unimaginable journey. It was the same day that the medications began ..... all of the medications which, cumulatively, have left her confused and delusional. It was the same day that in life's cruel irony, she wrote "I love our visits" on the outside of my birthday card. It is the most profound sense of helplessness I have ever felt, watching her being drawn deeper and deeper into that dreaded abyss, while all I can do is stand on the shoreline and sob. My heart is torn from my chest each and every time I see her. The range of emotions my sisters and I experience on a daily basis are without description.

I am the youngest of the 3 of us. The baby of the family. And all I want is to have my Mama back.

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Posted by Leigh on April 15, 2004 1:06 PM |

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Thoughts from others

Oh Leigh {{hugs}}

Posted by: Carrie | April 15, 2004 1:10 PM

I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help you. You're in my thoughts, as always! *HUGS*

Posted by: Kirsi | April 15, 2004 1:48 PM

Such tough times. My heart goes out for you and your family. Hang in there.

Cas

Posted by: cassie-b | April 15, 2004 2:15 PM

oh dear sweet leigh *huge huge hugs*

Posted by: madpeot | April 15, 2004 5:03 PM

I hope that in some small way it at least helps you to unload these heavy emotions. Your description of how you feel, as though you're helplessly sobbing on the shoreline, probably sums up what's in your heart quite appropriately.

Along with the others, I am so sorry that you and your sisters are having to face such a horrible time with your beloved mother. Hang on to that envelope your birthday card came in -- it's awfully special.

xo

Posted by: Leslie | April 15, 2004 5:47 PM

Oh Leigh, I'm so sorry :( You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Posted by: sarah | April 16, 2004 12:03 AM

I am really sad for you right now and wish there was something I could do for you personally to cheer you up. Huge ((((hugs)))) to you and your family. Am thinking of you always Hon.

Posted by: Michelle | April 16, 2004 3:36 AM

((hugs)) I won't say I know how you feel, because I don't. I will say that I know what you're going through, as I felt the same way with my daddy. It was tough as nails to have to put him in a nursing home. Even tougher was the thoughts of how I knew NO ONE could take care of daddy like he should be taken care of, or like I could take care of him. NO ONE would could possibly understand what he wanted or needed, by looking in his eyes like I did.

With each visit it became almost unbearable, like I was visiting another person, someone I didn't know, someone who had crawled inside my daddy's body & was lying there weak, incoherent and unable to speak most times. But as each new day arrived, I was glad that it was one more day I could spend with my daddy, one more time I could tell him I loved him. Somehow even though he was lying there lifeless, in so much pain, I could tell he knew that I was always there from the glow in his eyes.

My dear friend Leigh... I wish I could take your pain away, your family suffers along with Mom. Listen with your heart more than with the mind, look closely into your mommas eyes and without saying one audible word, I'm quite certain she'll know just how much you love her, how much you care and how much you wish you could take all her pain away.


There are always tears in the heart, that never reach the eyes.

Know that I'm keeping Momma, you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. ((hugs)) Love you Leigh



Posted by: CJ | April 16, 2004 2:01 PM

Dearest Leigh, ((((BIG Hugs))))the deep love you have for your mamma will always soothe her soul. Even when her spirit seems broken, angry, sad or confused...her heart and soul will always "be," thanks to her 3 amazing girls. Those 4 little words she wrote on your card say it all.
Please know that whenever you're sad or confused I am always here. I wouldn't call it whining, my friend...I'd call it confiding. (((caring hugs)))

Posted by: Debbie | April 17, 2004 12:15 AM

Bless your heart, you are living your worst nightmare right now!! (((Hugs))) I am sorry you have to go through this. Just keep visiting her, hold her hand and let her know you are there. It is important for her to know you are there. She may act like she doesn't understand anything or even know you are there, but believe me, she does. My best friend's mom had alzheimers, and would be a zombie, but I always talked to her like she is normal. You do not know what is going through the brain thoughts. Once in awhile she would get lucid and say something that made sense. I will keep you in my prayers.

Posted by: Phyllis | April 17, 2004 12:36 AM

(((Leigh))) My thoughts are with you.... I think of you daily.

Posted by: Rachel in Alaska | April 18, 2004 4:59 PM

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