The Answer is Yes ....

I am still here, but .... well .... you know that saying that goes "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? I haven't had anything nice to say, and I certainly don't want to post entry after entry filled with nothing but whining, complaining and self-pity, so hence, I have said nothing. I apologize for worrying you.

I want to thank those of you who have left messages here and/or sent emails inquiring as to how I'm doing. It meant more to me than I can say, just to know someone was thinking of me and my well-being. Thank you so, so much! ((((hugs))))

Now, for how I'm doing. Well .... I try like hell to exist within a shell of denial, but reality breaks through constantly, so my efforts are futile. My emotions are continuously raw, and I go from laughing hysterically to sobbing uncontrollably in the blink of an eye. Last week I got to the point of bringing to pass the off-handed, commonly-used comment, "I'm so upset I could scream!", and actually did it. In fact, I screamed so hard that it caused me to lose my voice for 4 days. My family, I'm sure, was ecstatic. I have no idea how loud I actually did scream, because I had my hands over my ears and my eyes were tightly closed. I didn't mean to do it; it was not a conscious decision. I just .... couldn't hold it all in anymore, and it literally exploded out of me. Unfortunately, I can't say that I felt any better after I did it, though.

The ups are rare, the downs almost constant; I am completely overwhelmed and terribly under-resourced; as successful as I have been in the past to numb myself and my emotions, I am now failing at it miserably; I feel guilt if I do and guilt if I don't, much like damned if I do, and damned if I don't; I don't ever get a full night's sleep, so therefore am constantly exhausted ....

I can't stand to see my Mother suffer with such excruciating pain, but I have no choice, I have to ... and I want to ... but I don't. I love her ... I don't ever want to be without her ... but neither do I want to see her suffering like this anymore. I want her pain to end. Her quality of life is zero. It's not right. It's not fair. And I wonder where God is when I'm talking to Him.

So that is how I am. Please forgive me for not being around here more and for not visiting you. Believe it or not, I do think of you all very often. In fact, I would be even crazier if it wasn't for the fact that I know you're all out there thinking of me too, and pulling for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. ((((hugggg))))

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Thoughts from others

My heart goes out to you and I think of you often. In fact, I had a dream about you last night, wondering where you were and how you were doing. I wish I had the words to comfort you and give you peace, but I don't. The journey you and your mother are on is something the two of you can only make together. Just remember we are all here sending you our thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

if I could make it all better I would. ((((BIG comforting hug)))) Love you, Leigh.

oh sweetie, i wish there were words. You ahve been cosntantly in my thoughts, i send out thoughts to you and your mom, light candles.... *hugs* you are in everyones thoughts my sweet friend. we will be here ...

love you
min

I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better, just know I am thinking of you. (hugs)

Your blog, this lifeline to people who don't judge and who offer support, love, and encouragement is so important. I'm glad that you have this outlet.

It sounds like you're going through such a draining and emotional time. I imagine the feeling of helplessness is what's so frustrating.

You are so loved, Leigh -- screams, joy, tears, and all.

You're in my thoughts. Take care of yourself! *BIG HUGS*

I wish I could give you rainbows & sunshine continuously. I know I'm among many who can well understand where you are coming from and if it helps to scream until you lose your voice, then scream Leigh, scream at the top of the mountain, in the shower, wherever! It may not be of any comfort but please know that sometimes those "little" things we hold inside are the BIGGEST obstacles we have to climb over, but in the end we can dance with the wind and smile endlessly. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers always Leigh, and hoping your pain and Mom's too, will soon be lifted.

Think of life's challenges as a staircase. If you keep your eyes in front of you and look at the top, you'll get there. If you keep looking back at where you've been, you'll stumble.

Love you Leigh ((hugs)) xoxoxo

I've been there!! I did lern however, that if you really want to scream, a good long drive in the car with the windows rolled down and the radio blasting is the way to do it. People look at you kinda strange, but you can just scream your lungs out, and not bother anybody!!

Leigh, You seriously need to get yourself to a Dr. These emotions you are going through are normal, but they are also a good indicator that you may be peri-menopausal...and they have drugs for that. Your coping skills are sharpened.

I am so sorry your Mom is so bad. If it is really that bad, and nothing can be done, then maybe it is time to tell her it is ok to let go. As hard as it is, She might just be holding on because you dont want her to go. I am so sorry. Ive been there. Its really hard...but it too, passes, and the sun shines again,. REALLY!!!

Yes, you are loved and always missed. You have a lot going on emotionally so you have a right to let it all out in any manner you choose. Big hugs to Beverley, tell her she is in my prayers, just like you are. (((Leigh-Angel)))

Leigh I totally know how your feeling (or a good idea!). I go through the same feelings dealing with my sister day to day.
I sure miss your emails :( I hope life gets back on track soon for you and your mom feels better.

We will always be here, waiting for you. What you're doing, what you're going through, is much more important than keeping up with us could ever be. And as painful as it is now, years from now you will look back and be glad that you had this time. *hug*

Scream more often, scream whenever you feel like you have to. Give yourself permission to be sad, angry...whatever you're feeling at the time. There is no recipe for dealing with something like this. Everyone is different, and to tell you the truth...most people just plain wouldn't deal. I'm not sure I would be able to do what you are doing. Being strong for someone else when we're grieving is the most tiring, spiritually draining thing we can do. I thinking of you.

You'll be stonger with each day that you cry, then you'll learn to fly!

MY heart cries for you, dear sweet friend. ((((Leigh)))) Wish I was there to hold your hand.

We all love you, Leigh! Whether you are here posting or not... we think about you always. I hope you feel better soon... look for an email with the new toll free # & pin... call whenever you want to. I'm here for you!

When life gives you lemons, ask for a bottle of Tequilla and some salt!

You may be 1500 miles away, but you do have a very special place close to my heart. When the pressure gets too much, feel free to pop me an email venting on everything. It will make you feel better, and you won't injur your voice (although you may get carple tunnel). I'm thinking of you and sending you several boxes of virtual anti-depressants.

Praying for you, Leigh! I've been in that black hole, too, and there is a way out. Keep remembering that.

((((((((Leigh & Mother)))))))))))))
you're in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart daily, I want you to know that!!! we'll all be here for you however we can and please know that!!!!

love,
Liz

Leigh, I'm thinking of you and - I hope you don't mind - will say a prayer for both you and your mother. I've been in your shoes, and realize how hard it is. I think the only comfort to be had by something like this is knowing you've had a chance to say good-bye.

Although it may not seem so, things won't always be so hard. You're surrounded by people that love and support you. That will help you hold on when you might not want to otherwise.

You are loved. Remember to be kind to yourself.

"Meaning"


frozen limbs bound in fear
eyes too dry for anymore tears
my heart lies beat less in my chest
hoping, longing for endless rest

where are the dreams of days gone by
was it all some jokester's perverted lie
can i move from this coffin skin
will my iced soul ever live again?

pain within, pain without
too parched my voice to release a shout
all that moves in this locked cage
is the glimmer of fire known as rage

where are the dreams of days gone by
was it all some jokester's perverted lie
can i move from this coffin skin
will my iced soul ever live again?

exploding within, shattering these bonds
screams of life, demanding a new dawn
i will live, this day will be
another moment of life for i've been freed

where are the dreams of days gone by
was it all some jokester's perverted lie
can i move from this coffin skin
will my iced soul ever live again?

freed for the journey, freed for the quest
living again to discover the rest
of Truth's guided quest, a path of delight
ever onward, strive for the light

here are the dreams of today my friends
laughter and wonder as this drama unfolds
playing a part, living again
freed for the journey, or so i am told

-Theo

Thinking of you. Having had my own 'dark night of the soul' for the last few months, and now finding some innner peace, I urge you to hang in there. care for you. and believe. i'll belive for you until you can.

Gosh, I get weepy just reading the words left behind by your friends. You are special, you are loved and you are thought of every day. Just popping in again to leave you and your mum a few more ((((hugs))) and a prayer and a wish that everything gets better for you.

It sounds like you are living your worst nightmare. My heart goes out to you, as I went through it too. God bless!! You and your mom are in my prayers.

Thinking about you, Leigh, with warm thoughts, good wishes, and a prayer.

Continued thoughts & prayers are sent your way. You're thought of in so many ways Leigh, and loved so much... we all miss you but know you need time for YOU. We will all be right here waiting when you feel like YOU again, and will love you even more. In the meantime, just know that if there's anything any one of us can do to make things better, all you need to do is ASK. ((hugs)) xoxoxo :)

ditto

Things still dark? We miss you!! Hope things get better for you really soon! It's real hard to go through something like this...been there!

Remember we are here for you!

Thinking of you and sending loving and healing thoughts. Missing you a whole bunch!

I am missing you a whole bunch too and hope you are having a successful time processing your thoughts and all your dreams, goals and desires. Thinking of your mum and hoping it is going better for the both of you. xxx

You can hide but you can't get rid of me. Sending more cheery thoughts and (((hugs))) your way. xxx

(((((((((((((Leigh))))))))))))))))) I miss you dearly, but I know we are in each others thoughts... that makes the missing a little more bearable each day that you're away. Love you!!! :)

Hi Sweet Angel. Luv ya and still missing you stax. Am thinking of you all the time and hope you are okay.

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