The Answer is Yes ....
I am still here, but .... well .... you know that saying that goes "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all"? I haven't had anything nice to say, and I certainly don't want to post entry after entry filled with nothing but whining, complaining and self-pity, so hence, I have said nothing. I apologize for worrying you.
I want to thank those of you who have left messages here and/or sent emails inquiring as to how I'm doing. It meant more to me than I can say, just to know someone was thinking of me and my well-being. Thank you so, so much! ((((hugs))))
Now, for how I'm doing. Well .... I try like hell to exist within a shell of denial, but reality breaks through constantly, so my efforts are futile. My emotions are continuously raw, and I go from laughing hysterically to sobbing uncontrollably in the blink of an eye. Last week I got to the point of bringing to pass the off-handed, commonly-used comment, "I'm so upset I could scream!", and actually did it. In fact, I screamed so hard that it caused me to lose my voice for 4 days. My family, I'm sure, was ecstatic. I have no idea how loud I actually did scream, because I had my hands over my ears and my eyes were tightly closed. I didn't mean to do it; it was not a conscious decision. I just .... couldn't hold it all in anymore, and it literally exploded out of me. Unfortunately, I can't say that I felt any better after I did it, though.
The ups are rare, the downs almost constant; I am completely overwhelmed and terribly under-resourced; as successful as I have been in the past to numb myself and my emotions, I am now failing at it miserably; I feel guilt if I do and guilt if I don't, much like damned if I do, and damned if I don't; I don't ever get a full night's sleep, so therefore am constantly exhausted ....
I can't stand to see my Mother suffer with such excruciating pain, but I have no choice, I have to ... and I want to ... but I don't. I love her ... I don't ever want to be without her ... but neither do I want to see her suffering like this anymore. I want her pain to end. Her quality of life is zero. It's not right. It's not fair. And I wonder where God is when I'm talking to Him.
So that is how I am. Please forgive me for not being around here more and for not visiting you. Believe it or not, I do think of you all very often. In fact, I would be even crazier if it wasn't for the fact that I know you're all out there thinking of me too, and pulling for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. ((((hugggg))))
Thoughts from others
Posted by: Marsha | March 3, 2004 3:15 PM
Posted by: Debbie | March 3, 2004 5:15 PM
love you
min
Posted by: madpoet | March 3, 2004 5:41 PM
Posted by: Diane | March 3, 2004 8:08 PM
It sounds like you're going through such a draining and emotional time. I imagine the feeling of helplessness is what's so frustrating.
You are so loved, Leigh -- screams, joy, tears, and all.
Posted by: Leslie | March 3, 2004 8:08 PM
Posted by: Kirsi | March 4, 2004 12:23 AM
Think of life's challenges as a staircase. If you keep your eyes in front of you and look at the top, you'll get there. If you keep looking back at where you've been, you'll stumble.
Love you Leigh ((hugs)) xoxoxo
Posted by: CJ | March 4, 2004 6:50 AM
Leigh, You seriously need to get yourself to a Dr. These emotions you are going through are normal, but they are also a good indicator that you may be peri-menopausal...and they have drugs for that. Your coping skills are sharpened.
I am so sorry your Mom is so bad. If it is really that bad, and nothing can be done, then maybe it is time to tell her it is ok to let go. As hard as it is, She might just be holding on because you dont want her to go. I am so sorry. Ive been there. Its really hard...but it too, passes, and the sun shines again,. REALLY!!!
Posted by: Mary Lou | March 4, 2004 11:58 AM
Posted by: Michelle | March 4, 2004 12:19 PM
I sure miss your emails :( I hope life gets back on track soon for you and your mom feels better.
Posted by: Rachel in Alaska | March 4, 2004 12:36 PM
Posted by: Susan | March 4, 2004 1:16 PM
Posted by: Faith | March 4, 2004 4:36 PM
MY heart cries for you, dear sweet friend. ((((Leigh)))) Wish I was there to hold your hand.
Posted by: Debbie | March 4, 2004 4:44 PM
Posted by: Beverly | March 4, 2004 8:02 PM
Posted by: Patrick | March 5, 2004 8:52 AM
Posted by: Kim | March 6, 2004 5:56 AM
you're in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart daily, I want you to know that!!! we'll all be here for you however we can and please know that!!!!
love,
Liz
Posted by: Liz | March 6, 2004 3:04 PM
Although it may not seem so, things won't always be so hard. You're surrounded by people that love and support you. That will help you hold on when you might not want to otherwise.
You are loved. Remember to be kind to yourself.
Posted by: April | March 6, 2004 5:03 PM
frozen limbs bound in fear
eyes too dry for anymore tears
my heart lies beat less in my chest
hoping, longing for endless rest
where are the dreams of days gone by
was it all some jokester's perverted lie
can i move from this coffin skin
will my iced soul ever live again?
pain within, pain without
too parched my voice to release a shout
all that moves in this locked cage
is the glimmer of fire known as rage
where are the dreams of days gone by
was it all some jokester's perverted lie
can i move from this coffin skin
will my iced soul ever live again?
exploding within, shattering these bonds
screams of life, demanding a new dawn
i will live, this day will be
another moment of life for i've been freed
where are the dreams of days gone by
was it all some jokester's perverted lie
can i move from this coffin skin
will my iced soul ever live again?
freed for the journey, freed for the quest
living again to discover the rest
of Truth's guided quest, a path of delight
ever onward, strive for the light
here are the dreams of today my friends
laughter and wonder as this drama unfolds
playing a part, living again
freed for the journey, or so i am told
-Theo
Thinking of you. Having had my own 'dark night of the soul' for the last few months, and now finding some innner peace, I urge you to hang in there. care for you. and believe. i'll belive for you until you can.
Posted by: Theo | March 6, 2004 8:45 PM
Posted by: Michelle | March 7, 2004 4:42 AM
Posted by: Phyllis | March 7, 2004 11:42 AM
Posted by: Leslie | March 7, 2004 8:29 PM
Posted by: CJ | March 8, 2004 7:36 AM
Posted by: Debbie | March 8, 2004 5:00 PM
Remember we are here for you!
Posted by: Mary Lou | March 10, 2004 11:07 AM
Posted by: Marsha | March 11, 2004 1:56 AM
Posted by: Michelle | March 11, 2004 4:47 AM
Posted by: Michelle | March 12, 2004 2:36 AM
Posted by: CJ | March 12, 2004 9:32 AM
Posted by: Michelle | March 15, 2004 1:20 AM