Thoughtprints

They married in April, 1976. My sister looked so beautiful in her white wedding gown. Terry, her husband-to-be looked ever so handsome .... and happy. My other sister and I wore yellow and mint green, respectively -- and those floppy hats so popular back then. My Grandfather, bless his heart, gave her away. It was such a happy day.

The years went by and eventually, after 2 miscarriages, they were blessed with a baby girl in April, 1981. They were overjoyed! As time passed, they went through their fair share of ups and downs. After a few years they moved to Colorado Springs where the job market was better. They began experiencing problems with their daughter and eventually moved back here, thinking the smaller town atmosphere would be better for her. It wasn't. Behavioral problems escalated, putting a huge strain on the marriage; but through it all they seemed strong and unified. Terry always remained positive, regardless of what was happening. His ready smile and infectious chuckle were a constant. He was the first to always offer help if anyone in the family needed it. When Kelly became ill, he never complained once, even though it took several years for her to get a difinitive diagnosis and treatment.

He took a job at a tech support firm here in town, and quickly moved up the ladder. They began sending him all over the country on business. One of the places he was frequently sent to was Massachusetts. A two-week business trip turned into a month. A month turned into 2 months. Two months turned into 3. In November of that year, my sister flew out there to visit him. He was excited to see her, and even drove her around looking at houses to buy. He said he had been offered a permanent position with a company and really wanted to move. She was excited, too. She came home and began readying the house for a move.

Then came the phone call.

A woman, identifying herself as the sister of the woman Terry was living with in Massachusetts. Apparently he had told this woman that he was divorced, and that his "ex-wife" was crazy, and so was her family, and everyone was out to ruin his life. Needless to say, my sister was devastated and did not want to believe what she was hearing. Much ensued after that. After many lies were uncovered, she filed for divorce. He came back here for the final divorce hearing and hurriedly agreed to everything, as his girlfriend was waiting for him back at the motel. Two days after their 22nd wedding anniversary, they were divorced. I didn't lay eyes on him again after that .....

until that day one year ago.

Terry had come back here for a court hearing between he and my sister, as he had not been adhering to the stipulations of the divorce. The day of the hearing dawned sunny and hot. I was scheduled to work that day. As I rushed to grab my purse and head out the door, the phone rang. It was my niece. She was hysterical and said something about the hospital and her father, but I couldn't understand her very well. After calming her a bit, I asked her to repeat what she had said. She told me that Terry had had a heart attack and was on his way to the hospital, and she wanted to know where her Mother was. My head began to spin. I told her I would find her mother and come to the hospital. After trying and trying, I could not reach my sister, so I went ahead to the hospital, only to find both my sisters and my niece already there. Terry was in the ER where the doctors were frantically working on him. My niece was hysterical; Kelly kept saying it was her fault. I was shaking.

They came out to tell us that the Flight for Life helicopter had been summoned to take Terry to Ft. Collins. Sarah became even more hysterical. Then, the person with the look on her face that no one ever wants to see came out to us. I knew right away what she was going to say. Terry was gone. In the span of one hour, he had gone from sharing a cup of coffee on his mother's front porch with his daughter, to lying on a hospital gurney, dead.

We all were escorted back into the ER where he was. That was the first time I had seen his face in 5 years. He looked older. He looked the same. He looked ....

Memories of the past 22 years flooded my mind. I cried at the loss of those years. My heart broke for what could have been, but was not. My head was spinning with the thoughts of how I could make this alright for my family. How can I convince Kelly this was beyond her control? How can I console a daughter who lost her father? How, how, how.

The autopsy showed he died from an aortic aneurysm. He had probably been born with it. There was nothing that anyone could have done to save him once it ruptured.

I have yet to allow myself to grieve the permanent loss. Tomorrow will be one year .... how can that be? How can any of this be? All I know is that it was wonderful .... and then it wasn't. Just like that. So am I protecting myself from feeling the pain of the utter waste which bad choices and decisions caused? Am I protecting myself from feeling the loss of all those years, and all the years which could have been? Why can't I remember that day and ....... and look at him within that memory .... and cherish the good times, and grieve the loss of him, and feel the reality?

My God. Just saying that seems ..... so unbelievable .... so surreal. I can't believe he is really gone .... forever. I will never forget that day as long as I live. Nor will I ever forget the 22 years he was my brother-in-law, or that I loved him very much. I'll never forget that I hated him for what he did to my sister. I'll never forget any of it.

How ironic -- poetic, even -- that he would die in his hometown, on the front porch of the house in which he was raised, with the family he knew for 22 years around him.

We'll never fully know why things changed so drastically for him. With him. Why he took the track he did. But ..... some things are better left unknown I guess. Oh how I wish he could be here to meet his first grandchild when she is born in October. All the things he missed ...... all the things he will miss ...... and for what reason? *sigh* I'm sure he had them. I wonder if he ever felt they were worth what he gave up. He was so miserably unhappy the last year of his life. Such a pity. Such a waste.

God bless you, Terry. I hope you are at peace.