Another day.

In many ways, the last week feels like some sort of nightmare from which I finally awoke, only to find myself in the middle of the same unending chaos I've known for so long now. It's like .... there is no escape. Not even in sleep can I find release. Bad dreams plague my nocturnal adventures. I find myself feeling like I wish I could just crawl out of my skin and leave it behind me, lying limp on the floor. I think that would feel so good .... to be free of the sensations of anxiety, stress and nervousness which prickle the skin. But instead, I allow these thoughts only to ramble inside my own mind, helplessly bouncing off the walls I've built to hold them in.

Believing was once so easy for me. The sure knowledge that I could take on whatever life threw my way is no longer so sure; and my faith that God will never give us more than we can handle is becoming weaker by the day. So I look for things in which to lose myself .... I find ways to hide from the reality which seems to chafe too harshly against my spirit ...... and hope against hope it all gets better soon.

Yeah .... another day.

I can totally relate to the feelings you've conveyed here. That sense of being overwhelmed by everything. I know now, after finally getting the right treatment for my manic-depression, that life isn't supposed to feel that way. Not all the time, that's for sure. My life used to ALWAYS feel like that...I felt like I was always on the very brink of losing my mind, and I was using all the energy I had left to keep from doing that. I often felt that if I just died, what a relief that would feel like...

After years of that, I finally got the treatment that I so desperately needed. I don't feel like anymore (except, maybe, when I'm PMSing really badly, but even that is rare). And I assure you, it CAN be better. But I know even these words can offer no relief. So, I am sending you loving and positive vibes across the digital airwaves, and I hope you can find some relief soon! Thanks for the comment on my site, it's good to find you, too.

Just breathe.

Thoughtfully shared by: Trinity at January 12, 2003 12:55 PM

there is life after the pain, my friend. Believe me, I know what nervousness is all about. I've been down that road before, but thanks to an extaordinary naturopath, I returned to my happy, strong self. That was 6 years ago now. I wish you were here, my friend. After a trip to Mr Barrand you'd feel like a new woman. He really does work miracles! It will get better, Leigh. When "shit" happens it just takes time, that's all. Unfortunately, sometimes a lot longer than we ever dreamed. {{{{{Leigh}}}}} But, there IS life after the pain. There really is. I don't know what else to say, except...I care, I understand and I love you!

Thoughtfully shared by: Debbie at January 12, 2003 05:29 PM

oh dearest leigh...
i so know waht it is like, and spent so long in that place.. 30 some years. meds, counseling all helped some. i fought the battle to jsut simply make it to each day.
i dont know what changed or how, i would sure carry teh burden for you if it was possible.

keep breathing hon, be gentle with you
there just arent any easy answers here
youa re not alone tho, remember that.

you are loved...go peek at taht picture i amde you

lvoe you always
me

Thoughtfully shared by: your other fav poet at January 13, 2003 02:09 PM

You just described my entire month of December an early January. It's winter, things are not as bleak as they seem. And God never does give us more than we can handle, I think it's what we add to the pile ourselves that we don't take into account. Especially in the realm of expectations. We expect too much...too often. No wonder we feel doubly crushed sometimes.

Life is difficult.

Thoughtfully shared by: thatmark at January 15, 2003 09:05 PM

As one very wise woman has told me, several times during my 49 years, "This too, shall pass." You know that I've been there, done that, and I can promise you that it WILL get better! It truly will! One day at a time dear sister, one hour at a time. You will get through this and come out on the other end wiser and stronger. I love you!

Thoughtfully shared by: Kelly at January 17, 2003 12:05 PM